owned; literally.

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3:31:31 PM Jill: am i having a jewish wedding all of a sudden? i think not
3:31:59 PM Me: uh oh
3:32:32 PM Jill: lol his best man got married this weekend
3:32:43 PM Jill: and out of left field had a lot of catholic things in the ceremony
3:32:47 PM Jill: like they had communion
3:32:56 PM Jill: and there was a bible reading about the woman submitting to the man
3:33:08 PM Jill: but then the priest specified like not as a servant but as a partner
3:33:12 PM Jill: and the man being the head of the household
3:33:20 PM Jill: and he ended with “i pronounce you man and wife”
3:33:22 PM Jill: lol i hate that
3:33:38 PM Jill: it’s either “man and woman” or “husband and wife”. let’s not do apples to oranges
3:34:16 PM Me: but
3:34:40 PM Me: u belong to the man right?
3:34:48 PM Me: problem?
3:34:53 PM Jill: LOL
3:35:16 PM Jill: lol seriously if someone asks my parents “who gives away this woman” i’m pretty sure i’m gonna grab the mic and say “i do, bitches”

healthier way to clean

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2:13:03 PM Enrique: damn fool
2:13:08 PM Enrique: you need to get a toilet wand
2:13:11 PM Enrique: with removable tips
2:13:12 PM Me: i have one
2:13:13 PM Enrique: geezuz
2:13:15 PM Me: what is that
2:13:18 PM Enrique: omfg
2:13:21 PM Enrique: these things are awesome
2:13:23 PM Enrique: lemme splain
2:13:44 PM Enrique: http://www.clorox.com/products/clorox-toilet-wand-system/
2:13:49 PM Enrique: toilet wand system
2:13:54 PM Enrique: healthier way to clean nigga
2:13:55 PM Enrique: look
2:13:58 PM Enrique: baby touching toilet
2:13:58 PM Me: LOL
2:14:03 PM Me: baby playing in the toilet
2:14:05 PM Me: and it’s ok
2:14:05 PM Enrique: poop goes in toilet and babies touch it
2:14:07 PM Enrique: its all good
2:14:08 PM Enrique: RIGHT!

yo mama

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4:45:04 PM MissBigPurple: haha. in 7th grade, a friend of mine who i was in a fight with made a comment about my mom and i had a rolled up poster board in my hand, and i straight smacked her accross the face with it!! and she didnt really say anything just turned around and then i called her a bitch and hit her on the back of the head!!!
4:45:05 PM MissBigPurple: lol
4:45:15 PM Me: LOL!
4:45:21 PM MissBigPurple: i came home and told my mom
4:45:29 PM MissBigPurple: and my mom laughed!!!
4:45:38 PM MissBigPurple: i could have gotten suspended
4:45:38 PM MissBigPurple: but
4:45:48 PM MissBigPurple: luckily she was too scared of me to tell anyone
4:45:51 PM MissBigPurple: we never talked again
4:45:52 PM Me: LOL
4:46:03 PM Me: that’s a Great story

lent loophole

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2:50:52 PM Me: drink some coffee
2:50:56 PM Me: take your medicine
2:50:58 PM Me: lol
2:51:01 PM MissBigPurple: i cant. i made a promise to myself.
2:51:06 PM MissBigPurple: for lent i gave up coffee
2:51:12 PM MissBigPurple: and im hoping it will help my gerd
2:51:16 PM Me: oh
2:51:18 PM Me: damn
2:51:26 PM Me: what about an espresso soaked cookie?
2:51:34 PM MissBigPurple: Lol. i think thats OK
2:51:35 PM MissBigPurple: totally ok

……..

2:52:55 PM MissBigPurple: haha
2:53:08 PM MissBigPurple: i was thinking about getting some 5 hour energies. at least for tomorrow night
2:53:13 PM MissBigPurple: i want to be fuckin pumped

during a night of drinking

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12:34:37 AM Skrimps: I wa t to be a family woman
12:35:04 AM Skrimps: Still haven’t really danced
12:35:08 AM Me: why not?!
12:35:24 AM Skrimps: Drunk
12:35:40 AM Me: too drunk to dance?
12:35:41 AM Skrimps: Gum
12:36:09 AM Me: gum?
12:36:14 AM Me: do u have bad breath?
12:36:28 AM Skrimps: Just got handed a shor
12:36:32 AM Skrimps: Shot
12:36:35 AM Me: Take it!
12:36:37 AM Skrimps: Scared
12:36:40 AM Me: LOL
12:36:45 AM Me: wiat… from a random guy?
12:36:52 AM Skrimps: No
12:36:59 AM Skrimps: Friend
12:37:02 AM Skrimps: Still
12:37:16 AM Me: dont go home with him! lol
12:37:21 AM Me: but still take the free shot!
12:37:28 AM Skrimps: So drink. Alcojopiac